What’s new since the devolution of Beef Talks About It?
Probably the most shocking thing is my divorce. My ex-husband and I had been together for almost 12 years–11 years and 9 months to the day actually. Everything went about as poorly as it could have gone, and I’m now less than two months out from finalization.
This is a burden I’ve kept mostly to myself. It’s not just coming to terms with the abuse, it’s mourning the loss of who I thought was my soulmate. Unfortunately the pain of the ending overshadows everything that was good.
Pictures deleted, less than 200 total from a decade together, it was easy to forget. I can look back at pictures I kept of myself, and recall what was hidden behind my eyes. That day we had been fighting, that day we didn’t talk at all. So many things that made me wonder if this is really how life is supposed to be.
Love cannot exist where there is pain.
And I mean that in the sense that love shouldn’t hurt. The person who loves you WON’T make you feel bad about yourself. The person who loves you WILL communicate openly and make you feel safe. The person who is supposed to love you more than anything in the ENTIRE world would NEVER make you feel anything less than.
My soulmate story was a trauma bond all along. To be fair, I truly think we loved each other as much as two people who were incorrectly shown how to love could. I just needed more than that. I knew I deserved more than that.
I hate how scorched Earth the ending of our relationship was. I lost my best friend overnight. We cannot talk without venom. I hate how I poured so much sweat, blood, and tears into an empty glass that purposely filled itself with more holes.
In the past 5 years of my life, I have become brand new. I love myself, genuinely. I still have my insecurities of course, but those feel so small now that I’m in a loving, healthy partnership (surprise!). It is possible to love and be loved again. It’s terrifying and messy unpacking your baggage with a new person, but the right person will help you sort through it and put it all away.
Safety won’t feel safe at first. I was so used to having a dysregulated nervous system consistently in the phase of fight or flight. You will want to create chaos because that’s what’s normal. It’s hard to navigate, but so worth it.
I’m proud of myself for all the steps I took to get out into what I now consider safe. I will never allow myself to be treated so poorly ever again. Glaring at it in hindsight, I wish I could beg my younger self to love herself first. I went from one abuser (my mom) to the next (my ex) and never developed a healthy sense of self.
Who I am is incredible–however, darkness will always try to extinguish the light. Connecting with my intuition and trusting myself wholly protects me from that. I always thought there was some outside validating force that would tell me one day that I was enough, that I was worthy. The validating force turned out to be my adult self, consulting with my inner child and teenager, and attempting to heal them by listening to them.
My inner child felt abandoned. My inner teenager felt threatened. But they are both safe with me now.
I may never become a mother, but I can re-parent myself the right way.
All that aside, I’m still estranged from my parents/family (to be explained in future posts).
I still struggle with the death of my best friend, although processing via EMDR made it so I can think of her without crying. I can speak her name without it getting caught in my throat.
I had two dogs, but my ex took the younger one he had named after his childhood dog. One of the hardest parts of my separation was separating the girls. I felt like I failed both of them. I still feel that way sometimes. I have no idea how Tisha is, I just know my heart aches for her, and that Sable is more restless without her. Grieving living pets isn’t talked about enough.
I quit vaping, and I’m honestly so annoyed at how much better I feel without it. I’m about 1 ½ months in so far, and have no reason to go back (other than addiction) which is a lame excuse. I’m still an avid plant smoker but I don’t advertise it. I think because I’m so neurodivergent the effects are much different for me than people who consume recreationally. My brain never turns off so that’s like, a solid hour of relief for me.
Last July 31, I started my new job, so I’ve been at that for almost a year. I like it. It’s much more sustainable than any work I’ve done before (a manageable schedule/physical workload). I’m hoping to stay as long as they’ll keep me–I’m content enough to continue passing GO.
I guess overall, what’s the most different since last time is my love of living. I couldn’t imagine not carrying a heavy heart with me the rest of my life–finally, I don’t have to. Beef Talks About It was a trauma manifesto/hot takes blog. I talked about death and dying, depression, and trying to survive in our apocalyptic world. Going forward, I’ll probably still talk about these things, because they’re loud and they exist, and they matter–but so does whimsy, and it’s important for me to embrace the duality of being alive.
As always, thank you for being here,
xx Katherine